Chapter 6
Marriages that end in divorce usually go through stages. A new husband and wife share a lot of information together in the early stages of marriage. During the first years of marriage, there are many differences to resolve between a couple. All of the rituals and traditions of two different families need to be blended, and worked out, and some are critical.
In the early stages of marriage, there are attempts to understand your partner's behavior, and keep criticism to a minimum. However, as the marriage settles down, and partners stop trying please each other, they often begin to blame the other for problems. Such as: If you did this, or if you had remembered etc. A relationship often deteriorates because one or both partners lose trust in the other. Although, sometimes it comes with more innocent lies about smaller issues. During the first months of marriage, a couple spends as much time together as possible. They share activities, try to develop an interest in their partner's hobbies, and enjoy exploring the world as a team. This desire of togetherness becomes tempered with time, but it becomes a danger sign when husband and wife are no longer interested in being together, and in sharing activities. Deteriorating marriages are often marked by partners who move in different social circles, have totally different interests, and take separate vacations. They become strangers to each other and eventually there is no marriage.
Divorce a Biblical Perspective
Prior to the early 1960's Bible teaching in this country had a restraining influence on the morality of this country. Divorce in those days was rare, and allowed only in proven cases of adultery. Today couples divorce even for silly reasons. Today when you meet someone, there is a common word called "step" in their vocabulary. Seldom does one meet people who belong to a complete family, where they have one father and mother, and thus the expression stepson or daughter. The restrictions on divorce have been gradually eased by more and more states. Adultery is no longer the only ground. "Mental cruelty", "incompatibility", and many other frivolous reasons will now allow one to get a divorce. Our secular institutions have responded to the rapid proliferation of divorce by not making a divorce difficult to obtain, but by facilitating the process. The current system is a no-fault divorce, and the trend is to broaden the grounds for divorce. What will the future hold for a society with more than 70% of the family units broken by divorce? The Bible has focused on these many problems by saying in Psalms 11:3 "If the foundations are destroyed, What can the righteous do?(NKJV)"
In the presence of these distressing conditions the Christian believer is still desirous to please God, and must discover His will. Is there any ground for divorce? Sooner or later every church faces the problem of admitting to its fellowship that one of its members has been divorced. There is a vital test of a person's submission to the authority of Jesus Christ. At this point the question of the lordship of Christ moves out of the realm of the abstract, and in to the main stream of daily life. Many people take a light attitude towards sin in daily life. Let us see what Proverbs 30:20 says on this matter: "This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wickedness (NKJV)." This is the spirit of the world. Sin is made glamorous instead of held up as hideous and revolting. Television programs, movies and novels make illicit relations, and a life of self-indulgence attractive and exciting. Instead of being holy, marriage has become a selfish partnership, which may be dissolved when either finds another more desirable.
Christ Himself goes back to creation to discover God's highest will for man. This is found in Mat 19:3-9 "The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?"4And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,'5"and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"8He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.9"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.(NKJV)" The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus in a theological error so they could discredit His teachings. They thought that if they could get Jesus to side with one or the other rabbinic schools, which were hotly divided on the issue of divorce, they could alienate him at least from one faction. If they could get Jesus to contradict Moses, they could charge him with undermining the law of God. Finally, keep in mind that the debate takes place in the territory where Herod Antipas was the ruling Tetrach. It was Herod Antipas who had John the Baptist imprisoned, and subsequently killed because he said to Herod " It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife Mark 6:18 (NKJV)."
The nature of the Pharisees test became clearer when the precise question that they put to Jesus is revealed in verse 3. The question was "Is it lawful for man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?" This was precisely the debate between the two leading rabbinic schools of Jesus' day. It involved the interpretation of the Old Testament law. Notice the question is not merely, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? But it adds "for any cause at all". Both rabbinic schools agreed that divorce was lawful but what were the grounds for a lawful divorce? There were two schools of thought known as Shammai and Hillel. The Hillel school was liberal, and the Shammai school conservative. They disputed with each other over the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house,(NKJV)" The argument focused on the interpretation of the words "some uncleanness". The Shammai school took a very narrow view, and interpreted it as referring to some grossly shameful act such sexual infidelity. On the other hand, the Hillel school took a broader, and more lax view of the matter, granting divorce for almost any reason. The Hillel school permitted divorce if the wife burnt food that she was cooking or broke one of her husband's favorite dishes. Rabbi Akiba permitted divorce if the husband simply discovered a more attractive woman. It seems evident that popular Jewish opinion followed the Hillel school in its liberal view. The Jewish historian Josephus indicated that divorce could be granted for "Any cause what so ever."1 Thus, the intent of the question of the Rabbis was to trap Jesus. If he sided with the Hillel school, then he could be charged with moral laxity by the conservatives. On the other hand, if He sided with Shammai school, He alienated the Hillel school, and popular opinion, as well as the risk the wrath of "Herod Antipas."
How did Jesus answer that question? At first glance it may appear that He was cleverly evasive. However, He does not immediately address Himself to the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24. Instead he cites the creation passage about the original institution of marriage, and ended his response with the question "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Jesus prefaces his citation with the question, " Have you not read, that he who created them....?" There was nothing flattering in the question, which also served as an answer, because He simply referred to the original intent of the creator for this institution. It was as though Jesus had asked these teachers if they had ever read the first few chapters of the book of Genesis that they were supposed to be teaching about. This was like Jesus asking: Do you folks ever read the Bible? The rabbis, the great Hebrew scholars of their day, had been isolating the Mosaic law out of the broader framework of God's original intent for the institution of marriage. In effect Jesus was saying that: if there is ambiguity in the law of Moses then, let the implications that are drawn be governed by what God spoke about clearly in creation.
At this point, the Pharisees countered by immediately pursuing the issue of the law of Moses by asking, why then did Moses command the husband to give the wife a certificate of divorce her? The point of the question is obvious. If God never intended divorce, why did he authorize Moses to command divorces. Jesus' answer is direct "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way". Notice the change in words. The Pharisees talk about Moses commanding divorce, Jesus talks about Moses permitting divorce. A command does not leave options, it must be carried out. Permission is less forceful, gives the party an option. Jesus interpreted the Mosaic law as permission for divorce granted, because of hardness of the heart. However, He repeats His point that in creation there were no provisions for divorce. Finally, Jesus dealt with the issue by rendering His verdict "And I say to you , who ever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality, and marries another , commits adultery". Here the ambiguity of "uncleanness" is cleared up. The grounds that Jesus provided for divorce were immorality or fornication as the Geek word "porneia" is used. Here Jesus clearly repudiated the liberal view of divorce championed by the Hillel school.
Jesus took a very dim view of divorce. He allowed it only in the case of adultery. Even in the case of permissible grounds, the higher calling is to preserve the original intent of the marriage institution, i.e. the indissolubility of marriage. That Jesus took a hard stance on this point is reflected clearly in the disciples reaction to his view as is seen in Mat 19:10 "His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.(NKJV)" Notice that this is not the stunned response of the Pharisees but of Jesus' own disciples. They would not have reacted this way if Jesus had given a liberal view of divorce. There is to be one woman for each man. If it were God's will for man to have several wives, He would have created several for Adam (Genesis 2:22).
The creation ideally required a complete union of personalities, purposes and pursuits. Man and wife are to act together as if they are one person. To God this union is so complete that one name suffices, He called their name Adam (Genesis 5:2). God's purpose for them was twofold. First, they were to be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). Marriage without children is contrary to God's purpose. Many modern couples do not want the inconvenience of child rearing. Their god is only the satisfaction of their flesh.
The Patriarchs
When biblical history is examined, it is discovered that the creation model of one man and one woman uniting in marriage is largely followed by the early patriarchs. The line of Cain quickly departed from God's will, and Lamech took two wives and gave himself over to lust and passion (Genesis 4:19). Lamech seems to be the first to have done this, because Scripture takes special notice of his taking two wives. Noah even, in a day of great perversion, remained true to God's will and had one wife (Genesis 6:18). Abraham had one wife, Sarai, as he left Ur in the Chaldeans (Genesis 12:5). It was because of unbelief that he took Hagar (Genesis 16:2), and this action is viewed as a departure from God's will. It resulted in jealousy and bitterness of soul for all concerned (Genesis 16:4-6). After Sarah's death Abraham did marry again (Genesis 25:1), which is permissible. Isaac had only one wife (Genesis 25:20), and lived a happy married life. It was Jacob's desire to have one wife (Genesis 29:21) but he was deceived by Laban and took Leah in order to get Rachel (Genesis 29:25). The two wives gave him much trouble because of jealousy (Genesis 30:1). Joseph took one wife (Genesis 41:45 ) and thus followed the will of God in this matter. Job also had one wife (Job 2:9). Without having a written law on the matter, the patriarchs discerned the will of God concerning marriage, and departed from it to their sorrow. The spiritual man understands the mind of the Lord (1 Corinthians 2:16).
To the believer of this age the teachings of Jesus Christ, and His disciples were of greatest importance. The law of Moses may be interesting and instructive, filled with types of things to come, and replete with the principles of God's will. However the Law with its multitude of regulations, its various degrees of penalty, and its offerings to atone for sin, is not in the present believers hand book for conduct. This is seen in John 1:17 "For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.(NKJV)" This idea is carried out further in Gal 3:24-25 "Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. 25But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.(NKJV)" If a person desires to follow the law, they should be circumcised, and become a follower of every precept given through Moses (Galatians 5:3). The law is a whole and stands as a unit. The one that binds himself to it is obligated to keep all its legislation.
The Lord indicated that a change in God's dealings with man was coming when He said Mark 2:2-22 "No one sews a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; or else the new piece pulls away from the old, and the tear is made worse.22"And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine bursts the wineskins, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But new wine must be put into new wineskins (NKJV)." Christ did not come to patch up the Mosaic economy but to institute a new agreement in God's dealings with man. This new teaching is filled with vigorous life and started a new dispensation for mankind. The Mosaic Law was given to a nation in which many were not saved. Besides this fact there was the "mixed multitude" which came with them from Egypt. The law made concessions to the "hardness" of heart on the part of these. The new teaching is for true believers only. It is not a national program (1 Corinthian 12:13). Consequently it is to a higher nature, dealing not only with the outward actions of men but reacting into the recesses of the human heart. The standard of godliness is Jesus Christ alone. One is to "walk even as He walked,1 John 2:6(NJKV)" The ultimate aim of a Christian is to grow to a perfect person, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ (Ephesians 4:13). There is not a lower standard for the disciple than the pattern of life the savior and His teachings. A guideline for Christian life is found in Matthew chapter 5 through 7.
Some Causes of Marriage Problems
Marriage does not create problems as much as it reveals problems that were never solved before marriage. A strong will or reaction against one's parents before marriage will produce a spirit of pride and independence in a marriage. This will cause a partner to react to you. God resists the proud, but He gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). Immoral thoughts and actions will disrupt a person's view of marriage, and cause their partner to resent them for acting out of lust rather than genuine love. Ambitions to be rich and to focus on temporal things will destroy one's ability to establish correct priorities in their life. A person will tend to sacrifice their family's interest for monetary gains. The key in one's life is the prayer of David in Psalms 25:7 "Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness' sake, O LORD. Psalm 25:7.(NKJV)" The sins of one's youth might have damaged their ability to make their marriage what God intended it to be. So it is important to repent and confess like David.
Premarital Relations
Any immoral actions before marriage will result in devastating pressures within the marriage. If a person caused or allowed this partner to violate their moral standards before marriage, then they have sowed the seeds of guilt, fear, mistrust, jealousy, depression, frustration, disillusionment and self rejection. Until the violation is specifically confessed to the Lord, and then to one's spouse there can be no forgiveness or basis for healing. Failure to honor the wishes of the father or mother regarding a marriage will bring God's discipline. If either your parents or your parents in law were against the marriage or the timing of the marriage, then God promises that things will not go well for them. God's first commandment with a promise Ephesians 6:2-3 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.(NKJV)" Furthermore. Proverbs 1:8 says: "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.(NKJV)" The wrong attitude in marriage destroys affections more quickly than wrong actions. Anger, pride selfishness, impatience, lust, greed, laziness, disrespect, and ungratefulness all take their toll on a marriage. They cause a partner to find acceptance and understanding outside of the marriage. Marriage is God's most important classroom in developing godly attitudes. When you withdraw your spirit from your partner or react when corrected you effectively cut off vital character building.
Verbal Abuse: The Great Terminator of Relationships
We are aware of politically and economically repressive systems that are maintained by physical force. We are less aware of psychological repression. Repressive systems perpetuate themsleves as long as they remain unrecognized. The effects of verbal abuse are qualitative. They cannot be seen like the effects of physical abuse. There are no signs of injury, no bruises, black eyes, or broken bones. The intensity of anguish which the victim suffers determines the extent of the injury.
Verbal abuse existed ever since humans existed. It is built in every culture. Defeating, puffing down, manipulating, criticizing, and intimidating are accepted as fair games by many. Yelling at people kills the spirit and destroy the relationship. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts. The abusers deny what they are doing.
Since the microcosm of personal relationships influences the macrocosm of civilization, just as the civilization – its customs and cultures – influences personal relationships. It is in our relationships that we might effect this change. If so, an opportunity is present in our lives today. We have to learn how to use our words properly to express and protect the value in our relationships. We must hear ourselves – what words we speak and in what manner we speak them. Likewise, we must hear the words spoken to us and the manner in which they are spoken. (The Power of Proverbs. Proverbs 13:3; 18:20,21)
Relationships all over the world are disintegrating. Especially divorce wreaks havoc on the fabric of American society. But the Bible tells us that death, or life, is in the power of the tongue. The proverbs return again and again to the power of the tongue: Proverbs 10:19-22; 15: 1-2; 17: 27-28; 21: 23; 26: 22-23,28. These verses drive home the point that our tongues can determine our destinies.
Communication is not just about transmitting, but also about receiving. A telephone that does not have both functions is worthless. (James 3:11).
Our tongue has the power of life and of death. You become what you continually hear. Take heed what you hear. Words carry thoughts. As the man thinks, so he becomes.
God is word. God used words to create. Words are the same as a person; you are what you say. When we use unreasonably harsh words to criticize, that can amount to verbal abuse. Verbal abuse undermines and discounts its victims’ perceptions.
When we read the New Testament, we can understand the incomprehensible physical suffering Christ endured for humanity (Mathew 27:29-30, 39-44). This section gives us an idea of how much verbal abuse Christ suffered for our sin. Psalm 69:20 was written by King David 1000 years before Christ. Here, David prophetically narrates the verbal abuse Christ endured for us. "Reproach has broken my heart." Reproach was more unbearable for Christ than physical abuse.
In all cultures, words of wisdom and traditions are passed down from one generation to the next. Unfortunately, malevolent mores and half-truths are also passed down to us. Many of these have become cliches through which the partner may interpret his or her experience.
Malevolent mores and cliches:
"It takes two." If the partner believes this, she/he will assume that he or she is, to some extent, to blame for the problem. Suppose an alcoholic marries a nice woman and beats her every day. She may protest, and strife may occur. Here it doesn’t take two to create a problem.
You can’t clap with one hand.
There’s no smoke without a fire.
Keep trying.
Never give up.
Judge not, lest you be judged.
Without mistakes, amends would not be necessary. Making mistakes is a natural part of life, and it occurs frequently in out life. We all make mistakes in the things we say, the things we do, and the places we go. We have heard of great people admitting their mistakes and poor judgements. Albert Einstein failed math, Thomas Edison failed to produce a light bulb in his first 14,000 tries. When he was finally successful, he handed it to his assistant who tripped and broke it.
When we look back and examine ourselves, there are many times in life when we say, "I wish I hadn’t said that. I wish I hadn’t done that. I wish, I wish." But the fact is, once acts are committed and words uttered, they are done. The issue is not making mistakes, it’s what we do after they’re made. Life is about learning from the past, growing in the present, and correcting for the future.
The most important mistakes we make are relational with our words. We need to be people who are committed to making amends when we wrong, offend, hurt, or would someone. Proverbs 14:8-9 says, "The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception. Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright."
Notice the contrast between the two types of people. Those who seek reconciliation are called ‘wise’ and ‘godly,’ while those who refuse to do so are called ‘wicked’ fools. The one thing that separates the two is acknowledging guilt and seeking reconciliation. We need to identify the people we have harmed. Amends needs to be made whenever possible.
Although your head convinces you that it is okay, you can’t fool your heart. Your heart knows better. Every time you wrong someone, you offend your own heart, and it grows a little more bitter. You weren’t designed to carry bitterness. When your heart is burdened by bitterness, your life loses all of its color. You begin to lose your physical and mental health also.
Proverbs 14:10 – "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy." You have no joy left to share with others. That’s why some are not a joy to be around. Proverbs 14:11 goes on to say, "The house of the wicked will be destroyed." It’s not talking about your actual house. In ancient times, a ‘house’ meant your family. God is saying that if your guilt bag is full with bitterness and you are refusing to make amends for the things that are wrong in your life, it’ll touch you and your most tender spot – your family. Your family can’t flourish in a bed of bitterness. Families across America are being destroyed because husbands and wives, parents and children, won’t confess, "I was wrong. Forgive me." Families are disintegrating under the weight of sinful and bitter words and deeds. Proverbs 14:12 puts it this way, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."
Romans 12: 17-21 – " Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (NIV)
References Cited
1. Josepus. The Complete Works. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Kregel Publications, 1981