Chapter 5
Conflicts, Problems and Divorce
The Difference between Man and Woman in Creation
Many of the problems couples experience are based on one single fact. The man and woman are completely different. The differences, emotionally, mentally and physically, are so extreme that if a husband and wife don't put forth a concentrated effort to gain a realistic understanding of each other, it is impossible to have a happy marriage. There is no doubt that men and women are very different. Therefore it's only when that difference is understood, that individuals are free to be complementary to one another. One of the least acceptable aspects of the women's lib and related movements, to the Christian, is the attempt to minimize the differences between sexes. Their assertion is that the differences which do exist are merely the result of differences in education and training and therefore not basic. There are in fact many differences between the sexes, but only a few will be presented in the context of this discussion.
Differences between men and women
Many problems are created in marriages due to lack of understanding the differences between men and women. So many people are frustrated in their relationships. Although they love each other, they cannot find a solution to their continuous problems.
Men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently, but they think, feel, and react differently.
A clear understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Incorrect expectations and misunderstanding can be corrected. John Gray, in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, says, "when you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them." A marriage partner should never try to change the other; we expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves.
Handyman – Many women do not see the abilities and qualities in their husbands. Instead, they would be happy if he is at her disposal as a handyman.
Mental and Emotional Differences
Women tend to be more personal than men. They have a deeper interest in people and feelings, while men tend to be more pre-occupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Women tend to become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them, so that they enter into a kind of oneness with their surroundings. A man also relates to people and situations, but he usually doesn't allow his identity to become entwined with them. They are able to remain apart, that's why a woman that views her house as an extension of herself, can become easily hurt when it is criticized by others. The woman's emotional identification with people and places around her, causes her to need more time to adjust to change than a man. A man, on the other hand, can deduce the benefits of a change, and get psyched up for it in a matter of hours. This is not the case with a woman. Instead, she will focus on the immediate consequences of the change, and the difficulties it may involve for both her, and her family. She needs time to get over the initial adjustment before she can begin to acclimate to the advantage of the change.
Physical Differences
Men and women actually differ in every cell of their bodies. This difference in chromosome combination is the basic cause of an embryo to develop into either a male or female as the case may be. Women have greater constitutional vitality. Normally they out live men by three for four years, and their basal metabolism is generally lower than men's. They also differ in skeletal structure. For instance, women have a shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin, shorter legs and longer trunk. There are also internal differences. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver and appendix but smaller lungs than man. In bodily functions, women have several important ones totally lacking in men. Menstruation, pregnancy, lactation, and women's hormones are different and more numerous than those found in men. Hormonal differences influence different types of behavior and feelings. The thyroid gland behaves differently in two sexes. In women the thyroid is larger and more active, consequently it enlarges during pregnancy and during menstruation. It makes her more prone to goiter, provides resistance to cold, is associated with their smooth skin, relatively hairless body and thin layer of subcutaneous fat. Women's blood contains more water than men's ( 20 percent fewer red cells)9. They tire more easily and are more prone to faint. Their constitutional viability is therefore strictly a long range matter. In brute strength, men are about 50% stronger than women. A woman's heart beats more rapidly, 80 beats per minute versus 72 for men. Their blood pressure is about 10 points lower than men, and varies from minute to minute, but they have much less of a tendency to have high blood pressure than men, at least until after menopause. Women's breathing power is significantly less than men's. They are able to withstand high temperatures better than men, because their metabolism is lower.
Sexual Differences
Women's sexual drive tends to be related to their menstrual cycles, while men's drive is fairly constant. The hormone, testosterone is a major factor in stimulating men's sexual desire. Women, on the other hand, are stimulated more by touch and romantic words. They are far more attracted by a man's personality while men are stimulated by sight and physical appearance. Men are usually less discriminating about those to whom they are physically attracted. A man needs little or preparation for sex. However, a woman needs to be emotionally and mentally prepared, often hours in advance. Her preparation requires tender consideration while harshness or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sex for days at a time. When a woman's emotions have been bruised by her husband, she can be repulsed by his advances. They feel like prostitutes when they are forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However a man may have no idea what he is putting his wife through when he does such a thing. These basic differences are the source of many conflicts in marriage, and they usually surface soon after the wedding ceremony.
The principle of authority and submission is not based on God's word alone, but also observable in His creation. The practice of a Christian woman's covering her head, her head as a symbol of subordination to man is a reflection of the natural order (I Corinthians 11:14-15). Men and women have distinctive physiologies. One obvious difference is the process of hair growth. The male hormone testosterone speeds up the process and men's hair falls out before women's hair falls out. The female hormone estrogen causes the cycle to remain for a longer period of time, causing women's hair to grow longer than men's. Women are rarely bald because few ever reach the last stage of hair growth. There are families who are prone to baldness due to genetic formation. But the female members of those families never become bald.
Intuitive differences
What exactly is "Women's intuition"? It is not something mystical. Instead, it is a subconscious perception of minute details which are sometimes tangible, and sometimes abstract in nature. Since it is usually a subconscious problem, many times a woman is not able to give specific explanations for the way she feels. She simply perceives or feels something about a situation or person, while a man tends to follow a logical analysis or circumstances or people. With these differences in mind in becomes clearer why men and women cannot, without an effort understand each other's differences. Only with the mind of Christ, are couples able to cope with those numerous differences. The Women Lib movement cannot erase these differences by their political agenda. God created men and women with great differences to complement each other. They were not designed to compete with each other. So a couple without Christ is more likely to fail in their marriage.
Consequences of Divorce
Divorce is a part of contemporary life, and it is seen as a resolution of a conflict. More than half of the marriages in America during the 1970's and 1980's have ended in divorce. The divorce rate is increasing rapidly nowadays. The break up of a marriage has great significance with deep psychological consequences, that do not necessarily go away when a legal judgement has been rendered. The trauma of such an act has a life of its own in the minds of all whom are involved. Divorce is a moral matter, as well as a psychological one, because it has lasting implications for the way one will live their life, and for the way their children will live their lives. The reasons for divorce are usually rooted in earlier family relationships that had not been resolved. Future generations would carry the stigma of the divorce for a long time. A special study in San Francisco warned that divorce not only has a predictable effect on children when it occurs, but shadows them into adulthood, and intrudes on their ability to take charge of their lives.1 Children from divorced families encountered more negative life changes than children from non-divorced families. Today many people in their twenties, thirties and forties are getting a divorce, and many of them come from families where there had been a divorce in the past. Some of them have parents who have been divorced three or four times. For example, this writer has counseled numerous individuals that follow a common trend described by a hypothetical woman called "Linda". The scenario begins when Linda had a baby when she was 15 by her boyfriend, who soon left her. At 17 was trying to find a suitable man to marry. In addition, she had to find somebody who was willing to treat her daughter like their own daughter. For awhile, she thought that a particular boyfriend was an ideal person, and she was going to marry him in 1994. Fortunately, she discovered that he was not suitable for her. Her life has been completely transformed at her early age. Furthermore, divorce or separation of parents in anyway has a lingering effect on the children and their ability to mature into adulthood, and initiate and establish a secure stable relationship in their future. I know many people born out of wedlock, who themselves have illegitimate children.
Prior to the 1960's broken families existed mainly because of a parent's death. Disruption of a family, because of death is a far less destructive experience for children than divorce. Today, most broken homes are the result of divorce or separation so that this condition has become the norm for most children. According to research, one child in every ten will see his or her parents divorce, experience the re-marriage of the parent he lives with, and go through that parent's second divorce; all before they are sixteen.2 At the present time, almost 60% of children will grow up living without both of their biological parents.3
Everyone cares about himself, and selfishness may have reached its peak. The divorce rate, relatively low in the fifties, skyrocketed in the sixties and seventies for social, economic and religious reasons. There was also the feminist movement, which gave many women the courage to confront and end loveless marriages. As women entered the work force in larger numbers, they gained a new capacity to be economically independent, and freer to turn their backs on marriages that they did not find fulfilling. Soon the moral climate became more flexible, and there were less rigid religious and civil restraints about the sanctity of marriage. The Church shifted from a conservative to a more liberal view that a person's marital history may not indeed be the ideal way to judge the state of their soul. Eventually, a no-fault divorce psychology came into existence, which relieved people from the responsibility of falling out of love. It paved the way for no-fault divorce laws which permitted marriages to end easily, because of temperamental incomparability. The extended family, which includes the in laws, etc., forms an elaborate relationship system that helps control family conflict. The nuclear family has now become extinct for many of us.
Freedom of Choice
The legitimacy of self-interest increases individuality for everyone. This view was the hallmark of the sixties. The introduction of the "New Age" movement, which led to, "Self actualization," which became the password, and divorce became almost honorable, as a sign of healthy growth apart from one another. Unfortunately, this new found freedom destroyed society's stability and security. Even the no-fault divorce law fought for by women who thought it would equalize their rights and make divorce civilized has backfired. This left many women impoverished after divorce, especially if they were older and did not have marketable skills. Society still has not caught up with the accommodations of on the job day care centers, and flexible working hours. Statistics show that children from a divorced marriage are themselves more likely to experience divorce, later in their life, even if they have promised themselves that they would never let it happen to them.4 The whole issue of commitment is different today from the what it once was a generation ago. Today, almost every one gets married with the attitude that if they are happy, and the relationship is going well then they're committed. However, if they are not happy and things aren't going so well, then they are not committed. If this marriage doesn't work, and does not meet certain standards of acceptance, then it is easy just to break the contract. At this time, there is a difference in the perception about what marriage should be. More people today use romantic love as the measure of happiness with their partner. When inevitably that fades or waxes and wanes through marriage, divorce often becomes the acceptable way out.
The Chain Reaction from Divorce
The spill over from divorce touches the lives of all in the family. Young people become nervous about making commitments because they have lost faith in their ability to make the marriage work. Children get nervous if their parents have an argument, fearing that their lives will be shaken up the way so many of their friend's have been from a break up in a marriage. Patterns of marriage and divorce have become an intrinsic feature of modern family life rather than a temporary departure from tradition. A home headed by a mother and father who are compatible provides the best environment for a child's healthy development. A two-parent family gives children the greatest emotional security. Freedom of choice has not come without its price. For parents who choose to divorce, the price may sometimes seem to be worth it for the children, though it seldom is.
Everlasting Memory from Divorce
Even after many years, children will remember clearly the details of a divorce as if it had happened a month ago. This is the way they often partition their lives. It becomes a marker for them, life before divorce and life after the divorce. The birth of a child after divorce will provide a lingering memory of a failed marriage for the rest of their life. Coming from a family that experienced divorced does make one different from men and women who grew up in a family that stayed together. It also makes one different from families where a parent has died. It has a significant effect on your future thinking and behavior.
Untouchables or Outcasts from Divorce
Children of divorce view themselves as being different from children whose families have stayed together. Whatever problems they encounter as they move through life they tend to attribute them to their parent's divorce. They identify their families as having been "unsuccessful" and see themselves and their subsequent relationships as problem filled, more anxious and more at risk of failure. They mourn their lost childhood and what they perceive as the richness and protection of a family that stays together. A study at Indiana University reported in 1984, showed that college students with divorced parents are more sexually active than their classmates.5 The men preferred recreational sex to committed relationships, and most had more than four sex partners before they entered college. The study says that boys who have grownup without a father at home may model themselves after the stereotypical male behavior that they see on television and in movies. Women from broken marriages were also more sexually aggressive then either men or women from intact families, and often moved in and out of a series of brief relationships. This may happen because single mothers often become involved in short term romantic affairs after divorce, and their daughters frequently copy their behavior.
The University of Indiana made a study that supports what is know about cohabiting couples who are not married.6 This group has risen from 450,000 in 1960 to 2 million in 1985, and about 4 million in 1995. Cohabitation has not ushered in an era of greater marital stability. The study indicates that women who cohabitate have a marital breakup rate that is nearly 80 % higher than those who do not.7 Adult children of divorces are more likely to move in to a series of live in relationships, which are often stormy and less committed. For them cohabitation like divorce, represents an anxiety and discomfort about marriage.
Continuous Problems from Divorce
Family problems lingers on for years, like cancer and diabetes. With divorce, there are constant reminders, particularly at critical junctures of life such as graduations, holidays or any kind of celebration. It is at those times that the facts of life can not be avoided. Often a person in that situation has half as many family members or twice as many as the norm. Divorce has a profound effect on children and adds incredible complexity to their lives. Before these children have reached the age of 18, they have spent two or three years in a major crisis that demands much time and energy devoted to restoring themselves. As a result of this they often become emotionally less available to develop peer relationships, to be fully involved in school, in sports or in just routine play time. They usually feel distressed or isolated, unless there has been a strong supportive person in their lives. They have been stripped of the innocence that should have been part of childhood. Their world came crashing down on them and overnight the rules changed. They often found themselves in the center of the stage in a drama that they did not create, and which they had no control over. What ever their age when the divorce occurred, it undermined their sense of security and interrupted their routines. Finally, when parents separate, the children's relationship with the spouses changes almost overnight, which often leads to chaos and conflict. Furthermore, parents after a divorce often are overwhelmed by their own troubles so that they become less sensitive to feelings of their children.
Divorce brings with it a disruption in the lives of all family members that is matched by no other event, not even death. When death occurs, the surviving parent and children are usually older.
Divorce on the other hand, is voluntary at least on the part of one parent. Thus, in addition to sadness and depression, anger, resentment and hostility of children are increased. Years after the divorce, many older children are never able to tolerate their parent's roommate, and sexual involvement with another person. This is especially true when they believe that the relationship between the now older child, and the parent, usually the father, is less satisfying. The death of a mother or father stimulates an outpouring of sympathy and support, friends and family rally around the children because they understand their pain and want to offer solace. However, this is not the case with divorce. Instead, friends and family do not perceive divorce as the death of a family, but for children that is exactly what it seems to be.
Divorce makes a difference in the way a child grows up. They may live in a single parent home for a substantial period of time, perhaps even go through remarriage with one or both parents, and become involved in a web of complex relationships. There are a number of important factors that determine how a divorce will affect a specific child. They include the unique characteristics of the child, the relationship that develops between the child and his parents, the relationship that evolves with the custodial parent, and most important the way the family recognizes itself after the parents have separated. All families have their own styles of managing relationships, and dealing with differences among their members. In some cases differences are handled by open conflict, which could involve verbal or even physical abuse. In other cases, one spouse becomes subordinate and never or rarely expresses their opinion directly. Sometimes they may just avoid difficult issues entirely by distancing themselves from them. It often comes as a shock, that the child who seems to have adjusted so well in the period after divorce, and even during their growing up years will struggle with relationship problems in adulthood. One has little to do with the other. Divorce will make children feel as though their entire childhood was a fable or a lie.
The internal impact of divorce is much more potent for boys than for girls. Boys take longer to adjust to these types of problems, and show many more behavior problems. It has nothing to do with their intellectual capabilities. More boys than girls have learning disabilities, and are slower to be toilet trained, and mature more slowly. You can't compare a girl of thirteen with a boy of thirteen, she is a young woman, but he is still a young boy.
After divorce, more than 90 % of the children live with their mothers.8 Does this really matter? Do children grow up impaired because their main access was only to one parent, which is usually their mother? A highly dedicated mother might be able to overcome some of the problems in raising children without having a father in the home, but the mother who over compensates for them may transmit to her children a way of life marked by a sharp imbalance in intimate relationships. These children never see two adults assuming the responsibilities in their relationships with their children.
Children learn from their parents in two ways. Through identifying with them, and through interacting with them. In families that stay together, children learn as part of their daily living experience how to identify, and interact with the behavior of both parents. Children learn that femininity means more than just "mother as woman" from the interaction between their parents. It soon becomes apparent that this parental interaction has something to do with the way their mother relates to their father. In a similar manner they learn about masculinity from how their father reacts to their mother.
Relationships between Mothers and their Children
The relationship between a mother and son is most difficult just after the divorce, although the problems may linger on for a long time. Mothers often see their husband's characteristics in their sons, and unconsciously react in a negative way to them. This is not surprising since boys are often much like their fathers, who are their natural role models. Some of the very qualities they may like most about their fathers may be the things that their mother did not like at all. To complicate the situation further, once the father is out of the house, a mother often turns to her sons to act as the head of the family, and has the same expectations of them that she did of her husband. Society expects the son to be the new man in the family. However, boys don't want to replace their father.
The relationship between divorced mothers and their young daughters often becomes stronger for a while. Girls generally are more similar to their mothers then to their fathers. The daughter's bond with her mother unravels though when the mother remarries or the daughter becomes interested in men and develops relationships of her own.
The initial period after divorce is the most critical one, because children are so vulnerable at that time. The way the parents treat them and each other teaches them indelible lessons, positive or negative about relationships. Some divorces are angry and punitive, and others are friendly and co-operative. However, most are somewhere in between. Divorce does not end the relationship between spouses who are parents. In and angry and punitive divorce, heated custody fights often erupt and the children become the pawns, and bargaining chips in a battle that turns into a full-scale family war. Parental anger can easily begin to eclipse reason and their sensitivity toward their children. Their minds become muddled, they will trade houses for children, and make no distinction between them and daughters and dollars. Father's may say things such as "Your mother was nothing but a whore" or the mother may say something to the effect of "your father was never any good", or "Look at what he is doing to our family". Sometimes the slurs are more subtle, such as "Your father called, and he wont be able to see you Sunday" or "Its a good thing you got this $25.00 dollar birthday check from Grandma, maybe we'll be able to eat this week" or "you didn't get the sneakers? I sent your mother money for them. She must have gotten her hair done instead." The parent who wants custody often tries to bribe or sway the children with tantalizing promises. Loyalty conflicts and grief about choosing parents present problems with children as they grow up.
Visits with other Parents
Visitation with the parent who does not have custody of the children is an important key to a child's reaction to a divorce. Children need to know that they are not being abandoned between the parents, and that they will always have a mother and father who are physically and emotionally available to them. Girls need a loving father with them so they can express their growing femininity to the opposite sex. Boys need to have an ongoing and close relationship with the father with whom they can identify, who validates their masculinity and whose approval is a central part of their universe.
Parents as Strangers
Children often feel like strangers in their father's new life. They see themselves as guests rather than residents in his apartment. Visits are over before anything important is said or done. Sometimes dad's new life seems appealing, like a never-ending party to which children are invited only sometimes. One Sunday it would be a trip to the zoo, another Sunday a movie or circus.
The amount of childcare required from the parent who does not live at home is very low. Some Studies indicate that as many as 40% of absent fathers have no contact with their children. Almost half of all children living with either their mother or father had not seen their other parent in the preceding twelve months. Of those who did have contact, only a minority saw them an average of once a week. Sadly only a little more than a quarter of the children even talked to their parents on the telephone as often as once a week, or slept at their place at least once a month. Even with a parent who starts out with good intentions other priorities can take over. There may be demands made by new, intimate relationships, more time spent at work to support two households, travel and just the inconvenience and discomfort of having to plan time with the children.
Unplanned Growth
Often pre-adolescent and adolescent children of a divorcee grow up faster than other children their age. They are forced to carry more responsibility, and are expected to be more independent. In traditional families, children have limited input in to family decision making. In sharp contrast, children of divorce have a say in almost everything. Their responsibilities change, so do their rights and privileges. They also have more power in making decisions. Girls especially have to make important decisions over functions to support a parent that has lapsed into depression or lost their ability to cope effectively.
The Web of Relationships
Children's lives become complicated when a parent marries, because there is a step mother or father, and their children from previous marriages, parents, and extended family and friends. In fact, divorce presents to children a series of never ending changes, which they must struggle to integrate into their already chaotic lives. The child's sense of security and stability unravels as they watch their parents participate in this new arena of dating and mating. They thought that such parental attention was reserved for them. What will happen to their relationship with that parent? Will his or her new love interest overshadowed or even replace concern for them?
Divorce breeds Divorce
Divorce seems to run in the same families the way diabetes or heart disease does. It is not the divorce that is the legacy, it is the family patterns, that lead to the divorce, and that seep into future generations. There is plenty of evidence that adult children of divorce are more likely themselves to become divorced. As the divorce rate soars, the divorce cycle is destined to spread. The emotional chaos experienced by children of divorce may push them into certain types of behavior, such as early sex, pregnancy before marriage or delinquency, all of which are linked to higher divorce rates. To escape the pressure at home, they may marry early, often to someone who is not an ideal choice. Girls who have seen their mothers cope successfully with divorce, and independence may feel strong enough to do the same thing. Some adult children of divorce seek commitment aggressively and promise themselves that their relationships and their marriages will be different. They will never do to their children what their parents did to them.
Family History
A plant cut off from its root is unable to grow. A person without roots, unconnected to a past grows up without perspective, and has less identity with a rich family history well stocked with people stories. They tell the secrets they share, which provides them with a sense of who they are and frees them to move on, to build their own lives, and to add to their history and pass it on to their children. Connection with as many generations as possible gives them the best opportunity for emotional security and stability, and having more open relationships with their parents allows them to make stronger marriages and become better parents. Children who have been adopted frequently feel with intensity, their lack of relationship to their biological parents. They feel incomplete, and they need to see someone who looks like them, and talks like them. Adults from divorced families often talk in the same way about the sadness they feel. A child feels that he had lost not just a father but a whole family.
It takes a lot of insight into a persons past to understand how they were hurt and how they reacted to that hurt, to learn about their own relationship patterns, and how to change them so that they will become masters of their future, rather than victims of their past. The chronic symptoms of adults of divorce, the ones that wreak havoc on relationships, are highly predictable. They are dictated by their family style, and the part they play in perpetuating it. Every family has its own style, its own way of behaving, of relating to and reacting to each other. Differences exist in every family. It is not having differences in view point that cause problems, it is the reaction people have to those differences, how they are handled, and what is done with them, that matters. What people do tends to be what they have been doing all their lives, from the time they were children. It tends to be what they have learned with their families when they were growing up, patterns that they learned from their mothers and fathers, who learned from their parents. It is not unusual, after all, that without realizing it, behaviors that feel familiar get repeated, generation after generation, just as stomach problems run in some families, headaches in others. The relationship problems that may lead to divorce run in families. It is not necessarily genetics, because people do learn to cope with traits. No one enters marriage with the idea that it will end in divorce. Most people want to make it work. But it is the way they relate, and the way they have been relating all of their lives that determines whether their marriages will flourish or fail.
References Cited
1. Beal, Edward,W., and Hochman, Gloria, 1991, Adult children of Divorce, Delacorte Press-Batman Doubleday Dell Publishing Group. p. 28
2. Ibid. p. 29
3. Ibid. p. 29
4. Ibid. p. 35
5. Ibid. p. 44
6. Ibid. p. 46
7. Ibid. p. 47
8. Barna, George, 1993, The future of the American Family, Moody Press, Chicago. p. 26
9. Dobson, Dr. James. Love For a Lifetime. Oregon: Multnomah Books, Onestar Publishers Inc., 1993. p. 41