CHAPTER 9
The Nature of an Affair
An affair consists of two people becoming involved in an extra marital relationship that entails sexual relations with deep feelings of affection. In most cases, when one spouse deceives the other, and has broken the commitment of faithfulness, the marriage is shattered. How do these relationships get started? An affair usually begins as a friendship. Quite often one spouse will actually know the lover of the other, but not be aware of it until the affair has been exposed. For instance, it is not uncommon that the third party may be the spouse of another couple that this incipient dysfunctional family may know very well, and even consider as their best friends. Another common scenario is that the outside lover may come from the spouse’s family, such as a cousin. One of the most common sources of extra-marital affairs come from acquaintances from work, and a person’s spouse, may or may not know this third party at all.
An affair usually begins as a friendship. Two individuals may casually begin to share their problems with each other. Another important element that is usually required to initiate an affair is that the individuals involved need to see each other on a regular basis. Often this is on a day to day basis at work, or through frequent meetings with a mutual friend, or being on a committee or board or some other responsibility that brings them together. The friendship usually deepens by giving mutual support and encouragement, especially with regards to unmet needs. Life often becomes very difficult, and many people become extremely disillusioned about their lives. If such an individual finds someone that is encouraging and supportive to his/her problems, then it is only natural that an attraction will be made toward that person. One thing will lead to another, but eventually the couple will end up in bed together. These kinds of things just seem to happen, and not premeditated by either party. Indeed, many friendships that have grown into an affair is not based upon physical attraction. There have been many cases when a wife will first see her husband's lover, and wonder how in the world he was ever interested in her. This is dramatic evidence that the power of attraction is primarily emotional. The other person may be over weight, very plain in appearance, or even down right ugly. The important thing is that another person has been able to meet and fulfill a need by the disillusioned spouse. This new lover in the affair usually turns out to be regarded by the disenchanted spouse as the most caring person that they have ever met. At the same time, the straying spouse develops a reciprocal desire to care for the lover at a level never before experienced by them.
Extra-Marital Bonding in an Affair
Once an affair has been initiated, the newly discovered lovers usually share a strong willingness to meet each other's needs. This willingness to serve each other's needs often binds the extra-marital couple into a mutual love affair that develops into a passionate sexual relationship. It is the mutual desire to bring each other happiness that builds an affair into one of the most satisfying and intimate relationships either has ever experienced. However, as the intensity of this relationship increases, the participants begin to discover that they are stranded in a trap that they have made for themselves. Soon they begin to lose good judgement on many things, as they become more addicted to each other in a relationship that is based upon fantasy and not reality.
There are several factors that contribute to making an extra-marital relationship seem so enjoyable and exciting. First, the extra-marital couple seems to bring out the best in each other. Second, the couple having an affair has the tendency to overlook or ignore each other's faults. Finally, there is the excitement of a new partner in sex, which can be a very intense sensation, and it is common for the participants to consider each other to be the most passionate and sexually fulfilling partners imaginable. An affair may go on for quite awhile before it is detected by anyone. However, the longer it continues the more difficult it will be to end it.
Susceptibility to an Affair
How susceptible are people to extra-marital affairs? Even a very religious person that has a great deal of self-control can get involved in an affair under the proper conditions. Furthermore, any one can fall victim to this temptation, if our basic needs are not being met. It does not necessarily require anything usual or special to get entwined in an affair. On the contrary, sometimes very normal people get involved in such a thing by a deceptively simple process. When a person's needs are not being met, then the individual begins to search for a solution. A common and logical trend is to look for some type of support. Soon the person may begin to feel a sense of loneliness, and desire to someone to talk to someone concerning this problem. Once that point has been achieved, then it is short and easy step for one to seek support outside of their exclusive marriage bond. A person does not necessarily go hunting for another individual just to have an affair. Those things just sort of happen, and soon acquaintances are met until one is found that fits the particular need that needs attention. Soon the newly discovered couple begins to the satisfaction that they have in just being able to talk and share simple things together.
How to Avoid the Affair Problem
What can be done to avoid this problem? In some ways, it seems almost as easy to catch a cold as it is for an individual to become involved in an affair. I some cultures, it is an acceptable way of life, and almost a status symbol to be involved in an affair. When Bill Clinton’s affairs exploded on the American scene, Europeans, Russians, and others booed the Americans for making it a big issue. Many Indians deplore the moral decay in America. At the same time, when they meet with other friends, sometimes they explain the past conquests with many women. It is a matter of pride for many. At the same time, they preach morality also. However, accepting having affairs as a way of life is not an option for the Christian, so what can a believer in Christ do to protect themselves from this threat to the holy institution of marriage? Perhaps the easiest and most obvious advice is to flee from temptations. Look at the root of this problem. In order to make a marriage "affair proof," a couple needs to know each other's basic needs, and how to meet them. Affection is often the most important thing required by women. Unfortunately, there are men that do not know how to give affection. For others, affection in marriage is the same thing as sex. However, to most women, affection usually symbolizes such things as security, protection, comfort, and approval. A simple hug can often exemplify all these things. Men, on the other and, need to understand how strongly a woman needs these types of things. Women desire to be hugged. Most humans, like animals, love to be touched. Notice the tendency to hug each other, children, relatives, and even animals. There are of course other ways that a man can display his affection for his wife that can be equally important, and in some cases even more meaningful. For example, a simple greeting card or note expressing love and care can just effectively communicate the same emotions.
Affection is an essential element for a woman's relationship in a marriage. Without it she will probably feel alienated from her mate, but with it she will become tightly bonded to him. Much of the affection given by spouses is not intended to be sexual. Instead, it is more like the type of affection expressed between children or to pets. Some of these different types of affections can confuse a man. Some men consider showing affection as a type of sexual foreplay, and can become aroused almost immediately. In other cases the man may want to skip preliminary affection entirely, because they are already aroused.
The Need for Man to Learn Affection
Man can and must learn to give affection. Affection is so important for a woman, that they become confused when their husband's do not respond to it properly. Most men need some instruction in how to become more affectionate, and those that have developed such loving habits have usually done so from good coaches. In most marriages, a man's wife can become his best teacher, if he approaches her for help in the right way. Women frequently, express a need for just physical closeness, such as hugging, holding of hands, and setting close together. Kissing is very important to most women, as are token gifts and cards that express emotional attachment, and commitment.
The Relationship between Sex and Affection
There are two very important things for the opposite sexes that often initiate affairs. For the woman it is usually a lack of affection, and for the man it is usually a lack of sex. This can be a vicious circle. If a woman does not get enough affection, she may withhold sex from her husband, and if he does not get enough sex, then he may not be inclined to show affection to his wife. The only solution to this tragic cycle is to break it. If the wife meets her husband's sexual need, then her husband is more willing to meet her need for affection, as well as other needs. However, this action can be done just as well by the husband initiating the action.
The Bible has some information on this subject especially in the epistle by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:2 "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. (NKJV)" 1 Corinthians 7:3 "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and like wise also the wife to her husband." It is not wise for a couple to deprive one another, except for a limited amount of time with the consent of the other. Such an interval of abstinence could be used as a time for prayer and fasting, until the couple can once again come together. In that way Satan will not be able to tempt you beyond your ability to remain controlled, and faithful to one another.
It is important to remember that God established the home long before he created the church. When people get married they have a tremendous amount of responsibility placed upon them. Therefore, it is important that they pay the proper regard to each other's conjugal rights. Affection presents the environment of the marriage, whereas sex is an event. Affection is a way of life, a canopy that covers and protects a marriage. It is a direct and convincing expression of love that gives the event of sex a more appropriate context. However, many men are impatient in having their sexual needs fulfilled, and prefer to do away with affectionate preliminaries, and just get down to having their sexual frustrations relieved. What they don't realize is that the affectionate foreplay preliminaries are not only required for a fulfilling sexual relationship, but that they are also needed to bring the woman to an equal level of sexual excitement. In many ways what the man may think are trivial foreplay preliminaries, may be the woman's main event. In most cases, a woman needs to feel a oneness with her husband before she has sex with him. A couple achieves this feeling through the exchange of affection and undivided attention.
A woman's need for this sense of oneness with her husband sheds some light on how affairs develop. In a typical affair, a woman does not have sex with a man until after he has demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection. It is because her new lover has expressed such an intense care for her, that the physical union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy, which was otherwise unknown to her in marriage. The woman then concludes that her extra-marital lover is right for her, because she doesn't feel that way when she has sex with her husband.
In reality, any marriage can have that flair and intensity of an affair, if it has the strong one spirited bond between the man and the woman. If a marriage is struggling, especially from a sexual perspective, then a wise thing to do may be to look for the missing element of affection. If a woman is not properly prepared with affection, she will have to reluctantly submit to having sex with her husband, even though she will know before hand that she will not enjoy it. However, in an affair, the bonding conditions from affection have been met, and thereby insure the fulfillment of that sexual relationship. In such a case the woman's lover has taken the time, and proper action to promote the environment necessary for a fulfilling sexual relationship.
"For the typical man, sex is something almost like air or water. In other words, he can not do without it. If a woman does not understand the power and intensity of the male sex drive, she will, at best, have a husband that is extremely tense, frustrated, and irritable. At worst, someone else may step forward to meet his need, and tragically, that happens all too often in our society. However, all of these things can be avoided if husbands learn to be more affectionate, and wives respond with more eagerness to make love1."
Men and women differ significantly in their sexual appetites, and it is important that both husbands and wives are aware of these different needs. A man can be stimulated in just a couple of moments with an overwhelming desire to have sex, and this feeling can be so intense that in a sexual act he could come to a climax in just a few minutes. A few minutes later he could be sound asleep. The woman on the other hand may be completely awake, and resenting the man, because he has left her unfulfilled from this brief episode by not having achieved an orgasm. The way a woman feels about her husband sexually is a byproduct of her romantic relationship at the time. If she feels close to him, and loved by him, then she is more likely to desire him physically. Many surveys have been conducted by numerous organizations about the female sexual desire.
References Cited
1. Harley Jr., Willard F., and Fleming H. Revell. His Needs, Her Needs. Grand Rapids, 1994. p. 40